Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Bill Simmons Mail Bag

I love the mail bag, the most random questions that can be imagined are asked. Here are some of my favorites from this week.

Shouldn't Elizabeth Perkins have faced statutory rape charges in "Big"?
Absolutely. The rules are explicit here -- if you have consensual sexual relations with anyone not legally old enough to consent to such behavior, it's statutory rape regardless of whether they turned themselves into an adult by making a wish to a Zoltar machine

SG: Here's my contribution to the poor Sonics fans: You know the team Kevin Durant plays for right now? I'm never mentioning their "new" name in this column. Ever. For as long as I have it. I'm alternating between these four names …
1. Kevin Durant's Team.2. The Seattle SloppySeconds3. The Bennett City Hijackers4. The Team That Shall Not Be Named

If the Dodgers open the World Series at Boston, what's the over/under on where Manny's first homer lands?
SG: I think it's going to be one of those line drives that's still going up as it ricochets off some drunk guy's head in the second row of the Monster seats

Doesn't Ray Lewis have to lead the league in my new stat: "Last Man to Dive in on an Already Made Tackle?" As the play is dying, he comes flying in, diving, rolling, jumping up, slapping the helmet, shouting, doing that crazy electric-boogaloo dance that makes my eyes bleed out before my head explodes. Having added nothing to the play other than his half-seizure, he's all of a sudden the center of attention for these nitwit announcers
SG: I demand that "Last Man to Dive in on an Already Made Tackle" become an official Football Outsiders stat starting this week. The real shame is we'll never know who had more career LMDAMTs -- Lewis or Junior Seau, who had 650 of them last season alone. It's kind of like how we'll never know who has the sack record. We just have to wonder.

Q: Did you know that if you Google "gay guy with beard" under Google images, your photo comes up at the beginning of the fourth page? Just thought you'd like to know. P.S. You may be asking yourself why one would search for this. Rest assured, it involved trash talk on my fantasy football homepage.-- Kevin, Pittsburgh
SG: That has become the go-to the excuse for all aberrant online behavior these days: "Rest assured, it involved trash talk on my fantasy football homepage."

How would you describe Bob Costas' role on "Sunday Night Football" right now?-- Lucas, Shaker Heights
SG:Confused? Undefined? He's like an emcee -- it's like when Jerry Lewis kind of wanders in and out of his own telethon and you might not see him again for five hours. Costas doesn't moderate any of the three-man discussions because Collinsworth always does it. He doesn't narrate any of the highlights because Olbermann and Patrick do it. Well, if you're not moderating, and you're not narrating highlights, and you're not offering football analysis, what the hell is left? He's like a maitre'd at a nice restaurant: "Welcome to Sunday Night Football, I'm Bob Costas, lemme show you to your table … Keith Olbermann and Cris Collinsworth will be right with you."

1 comment:

Natedawg said...

I love the mailbag, but these are some of the best ones that I have ever seen.